Reflected in your tears
by Loren-Mac
Summary: A very long fic, this is the re-written version which is in storyform instead of script.


When the road ends- Amanda's funeral. ("Just because the road ends, it doesn't mean you're life does too.")  
  
Chrissie and Owen stood at the funeral, their hearts broken in two. Neither of them had expected it to be so hard. Chrissie knew that no one should bury their child, but never as much as she knew then. The tears tumbled from Chrissie's eyes as she gripped his hand comfortingly, whatever happened between them previously, didn't matter at that moment.  
  
"Goodbye my child" Chrissie whispered, her heart hurting all the more. She just couldn't come to terms with the word 'goodbye' it just didn't seem right, it was too final, too definite.  
  
"Forever with us our little angel." Owen mumbled, unable to suppress much more than a few words in his anguish. Everything had gone dark, and all that stood between him and that continual darkness was Chrissie.  
  
Owen looked down upon his grieving wife and pulled her closer to him, she never deserved what happened to her in the end and he knew that. Despite having always been so angry at her for not knowing who's child Amanda was, he loved her and so it mattered all the less. He held her because he loved her and knew she was in pain, not because he condoned what she did.  
  
"Ohh, Chrissie Darling, its going to be ok." Tricia whispered stroking the side of Chrissie's face tenderly.  
  
Chrissie Nodded and buried her head in Owens, now, quite damp shirt. At the back of the congregation, of people, stood Ed. A single tear rolled down his cheek before he hurried off to not be caught by Owen. His heart was just as badly damaged as Chrissie and Owen's, but he knew he could not show it. He had to be strong for everyone else, he had spent all of his life living by that rule and he was not about to break it.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay to stay?" Ric, who was standing by Chrissie and Owen with Diane, asked.  
  
My friend has just lost her baby I'm not leaving." She whispered back coldly, she didn't mean to be so abrupt with him, but she hurt too much not to be.  
  
Ric could see the rings forming around her eyes, and the deepest look of sorrow in her face, but he knew she would not back down to her feelings unless forced. And he was not about to force her. He was, truly, worried about her, he had never seen her looking so distraught, so afraid.  
  
"Look just come back to my house after, okay?" He whispered, knowing that he had to do something for her, however little that 'something' was. He couldn't just leave her in her greatest time of need, even if she wouldn't admit to being in need.  
  
"I'm going to be okay, just leave me alone."  
  
"Please, it's the least I can do." He pleaded with her, he wanted to just shake her, to make her show some kind of human emotion. She was lifeless almost, so fragile and in need, and yet. so lifeless.  
  
"I'm so busy." She replied, but she knew that she could not use that excuse, the truth was she just wanted to be alone and get her head straight. Deep inside she just couldn't find the words inside of her to tell him that.  
  
"You know as well as I do that we have no surgery until this afternoon." He didn't understand her reluctancy, "just talk to me for once Diane, I need to know what's going on in there."  
  
His words seemed to have taken affect because Diane sighed and looked towards Ric and nodded gently. She wanted to open up so much, but she just felt she couldn't, she knew he wouldn't understand that, why would he?  
  
Owen looks over at Ric and Diane and smiles slightly through the silent tears slipping down his cheeks. He moved his eyes back where Chrissie stood, he knew she was keeping on a façade, the tears no longer fell, but he could tell her heart was breaking.  
  
"We're going back to the house now, which of you are coming back?" He asked after clearing his throat, holding back the tears.  
  
"I need to get back to work," Kath sighed, wiping the tears from her eyes, "I'm so sorry, Chrissie, but it was a beautiful service."  
  
Kath placed her hand onto Chrissie's shoulder and held it there for some moments before turning and making her departure. She wanted to be there for Chrissie, everyone did, but she could not put work on hold, as Tom had reminded her countless times.  
  
"Diane and I have some paper work to sort out; it was a wonderful service Owen. Sorry we have to leave so soon" Ric said, making his excuses and putting his arm lightly around Diane, he just knew that she wanted to leave just as much as he did, to get away from the crowds.  
  
Diane put on a half-hearted smile at Owen and Chrissie before allowing Ric to lead her out towards the car. Her heart raced, knowing that she would have to let herself go and explain everything to him, despite not wanting too. He had that kind of effect on her.  
  
Chrissie placed a bouquet of flowers down upon Amanda's grave as the tears streamed from her eyes. She felt such loss, such anguish, and nothing but tears came close to expressing it all. Not even words could express it right, however hard she tried.  
  
"Goodbye my darling Amanda." She managed to suppress, but the words seemed so hard to find, as the funeral was over, it didn't make goodbye any easier.  
  
Chrissies eyes were laden with dried tears and Owen wiped her face gently with his hand. She backed off warily, not wanting to go through it all, not so soon, she's been hurt too much.  
  
~*~  
  
Diane sat heavily down onto the sofa and started to smooth out the cover on it, her eyes welling with fresh tears. She'd been through so much that it hurt to do everything, and now she was going to have to talk about it and let it all out.  
  
"Do you want a cup of tea or something?" Ric asked suggestively from the kitchen. He waited for some moments before putting on the kettle, despite no reply from the living room.  
  
He walked out and sat beside Diane, seeing the hurt in her eyes. His heart bled for her and all his thoughts went out to her, she didn't deserve what she got either. Sometimes life just deals you a bad hand.  
  
"Diane I've known you for long enough now to know when something's up, its not the termination is it?" Ric enquired, not sure of how to touch upon the subject. He knew she felt bad about it, but that was no help, he needed to hear it from her.  
  
She felt the tears rising inside her, blocking off her throat, she knew she could trust Ric, knew she could tell him anything, but the question was; did she want to? Deep inside she wanted to tell someone, anyone who would listen, but it was telling them that was difficult.  
  
"I'm fine okay; it was just like a termination again. There I was killing off my baby and all Chrissie wanted was hers not to die." She sobbed. She couldn't keep it inside any longer, the tears began to fall, despite her attempts to hold them back. She tried to hide her face, although she knew there was no use, he had already seen.  
  
She regretted the termination more than anything, and she would have done anything to take it back. Ric knew that so deeply, but he could not utter a word of consolidation that would be of any help. He simply put his arm around her and allowed her to cry into his shirt. It was easier that way, it was a silent understanding between them, and it brought them together, that's what he liked most, that they were close. He could feel her beside him, he missed that so much.  
  
"It's all right Diane, I told you not to go back to work. Why didn't you listen to me?" He asked, slightly annoyed that she didn't just drop her pride for a few seconds and ask for time off. She pulled her head out and looked up at him with tear stained eyes.  
  
"It's not about work." she sighed, "maybe we should go back to the funeral."  
  
"I'm not going just yet, not till I know that you're okay." Something made him feel that he had a loyalty to protect her from everything and to make everything okay again. There was once a time he could do that, the time when three words meant everything, and healed everything.  
  
"I'm fine, I was just being stupid."  
  
"No Diane, I want you to take as much time off as you want, A week at the least." He said sternly, he knew she had to take time off, whatever he said. He could read her so well that it scared her; it scared her to the point of wanting to run away.  
  
"I would rather be at work, it keeps me busy, and it helps keep your mind off things. We are short of staff as it is." Diane whispered as she pulled away from him and wiped her eyes, "I'm just going to use your bathroom."  
  
"Yeah sure, it's just down the hall..." Ric replied dejectedly.  
  
~*~ Tricia walked up beside Chrissie and rubbed her shoulder in an act of consolation, she knew her daughter was hurting, just as much as she would hurt if it were her.  
  
"Are you ok darling?" She asked, smiling gently at her.  
  
"I'll be ok all right?" Chrissie replied, rather harshly, she just wanted to be alone, handling things were hard enough without being bothered about it. She just wanted to go back to normal, and the constant reminders over it not being normal, just hurt even more. She turned away and walked off to serve some food, it focused her mind on something that didn't relate to Amanda, she liked that.  
  
Tricia walked up beside Owen who was standing in the corner surveying everything with saddened eyes.  
  
"Can I borrow you a minute please?" Tricia asked him pulling him into the living room and sitting him down. "You really need to be with her at the moment, she's not being herself. "  
  
"She's just lost a baby what do you expect?" Owen asked, slightly surprised at the way Tricia was acting. It seemed as if loosing a child, in her opinion, was no big deal and it was just something you got over in seconds. She just didn't understand that things take time sometimes to heal and get over, and some things people never get over.  
  
"I know, I'm just looking out for her, just keep with her and look after her okay?"  
  
It outraged him, he cared for Chrissie more than anything, and there was Tricia telling him to look out for her. He would have been able to, had Chrissie not have kept pushing him away. He knew she felt more pain than he did, and that seemed almost unbelievable that someone could feel such agony and not just scream and fight for it to stop. Although, he always did know that she was a remarkable woman and that she would always find a way to deal with things, one way or another. He just wished that she would consult him before she did things.  
  
He found her standing in the kitchen and put his arm around her comfortingly, thinking of something to say.  
  
"When are you considering going back?" Was all he could think of to say, and so he did, but it didn't even come close to what he really intended to tell her.  
  
"Next week, I'd be bored sitting around all day." She laughed gently, but deep inside she cried, the real reason that she could not stay at home was not boredom. For it was because she had nothing to occupy her mind, which would lead her to thinking about things, that's one thing she couldn't do. think. It hurt too much to think.  
  
"Is that really wise Chrissie? Take another week off; I'll stay with you if you like." He suggested.  
  
"I don't know... I'll think about it, but right now I just want to be alone."  
  
Chrissie pushed herself past guests and shut herself in the bedroom where she sat on the bed and cried, so hard that she felt she could never cry again, away from all the staring faces. She placed her hand softly on her stomach and clutched it hard, wincing in pain.  
  
~*~  
  
Diane had her head resting on Ric's lap as she lie on the sofa, it brought back such old memories. Ric stroked her hair away from her face; he still loved her even though they had parted so long before that. It brought back memories for him too, but memories that he wanted to be real, memories that he wanted to happen in the present.  
  
~*~  
  
"Has any body seen Chrissie?" Owen asked walking up beside Tricia, he felt so bad about leaving her before, and trying to force her into staying home, he knew he had no right to have done that.  
  
"I haven't, I was just beginning to get worried" Tricia remarked stirring a pot of coffee.  
  
Owen opened the door to the bedroom to a scene he did not expect to see. Chrissie was sprawled out on the floor; he lifted her head up and stroked her pale cheek. Tears sprung to his eyes instantly just to see him like that, but he managed to focus his mind upon acting for her. It was a good time to be around surgeons.  
  
"Some help in here please!" He cried out, but when he heard no reply from the living room he rushed out and pulled Tom around by the arm. He could not think straight, his whole world had turned upside-down at the thought of loosing her.  
  
"Tom, help she's collapsed!" Owen led Tom into the bedroom helplessly and stared at his beloved wife. He instantly felt the regret coming back to him, having pressurised her.  
  
"I think it's probably her blood not clotting again." Owen whispered, trying to be of some help to Tom, but he knew that he really couldn't help much, he was in too much shock.  
  
"Owen quick go get my car." Tom shouted, throwing Owen his keys.  
  
Owen stood up, as asked, but he just stood there, staring down on Chrissie in her helpless state. He couldn't move, everything inside him froze until everything looked blurry and he thought he was about to collapse himself.  
  
"Owen... GO for god's sake, your no help to her just standing there!"  
  
"Oh, right, yeah." He mumbled, before racing off to get the car. His heart raced with loss and anticipation at the same time. He felt as if he had lost her already, he was sure he was going to.  
  
~*~  
  
Diane felt his hot breath on the back of her neck and smiled, he drew closer to her, but it didn't scare her. Not for one second did it scare her. Their lips met with such passion that neither of them had expected, with such fire that they felt so amazing. She felt it was wrong, in the present circumstance and couldn't help herself from pulling away. Given the way she was feeling she didn't know if it was sympathy or true feelings.  
  
"No Ric, lets not go down that path again, it's not right." She whispered.  
  
Ric jumped up rather embarrassed by the situation and goes into the kitchen and started busying himself with the kettle. He had thought it was what she wanted, but obviously he had been wrong. He couldn't keep his emotions and feelings for her at that moment, but he wished he had been able to.  
  
"I'm sorry, I had best go." Diane abruptly said, standing up and looking into the kitchen.  
  
"No wait, stay. I'll take you up to the hospital if you're determined to work today. The shift starts in an hour, so there's no point in going home."  
  
Diane began to look uncomfortable as she picked up her bag, she wanted to stay with him, truly she did. but she couldn't. She'd spent her time with someone, now she needed time to be alone, but she just didn't have the heart to tell him. She knew he still loved her, and deep inside she still loved him too.  
  
"Please let me go," she whispered, stroking his arm gently.  
  
"I'll come with you; we might as well go now." He said, just trying everything to dissuade her. He didn't want her to go alone, he loved her too much to allow her to battle it alone, despite knowing that she had to deal with some aspects of it alone. He stared at her hard, at her pale face and her tired eyes and frowned slightly, he knew she could not fool him. Deep down inside she knew it too.  
  
"Are you all right Diane, you look rather pale?" He enquired, smiling at her.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
"You really don't look it. Just sit down; maybe work was a bad idea." He didn't want her to go, but he realised that he was being to forceful on her, no one could force Diane to do anything she didn't want to do. He had learnt that the hard way when he asked her to marry him, she didn't want too and so she fled. He wasn't going to let that happen again, not now that she had finally opened up.  
  
Diane straightened herself up and looked deep inside his chocolate eyes, she knew he would not give in without a fight either. The easiest thing, it seemed, to do would be to just allow him to go with her, thus avoiding more difficult questions in which she would open herself up too much. The walls she had built around her were stable, comforting walls; she did not want to knock them down, not just to get hurt again.  
  
"Lets just go okay? You don't need to look after me; I'm okay on my own." She said frowning slightly.  
  
Ric reluctantly opened the door and stepped out of the door after him, shaking his head slightly. Diane was a handful when she wanted to be, but that's what he loved about her, her slightly stubborn way. And how she would contradict herself and sit in denial over things for weeks before she finally admitted the truth.  
  
~*~  
  
Owen looked down upon Chrissie as she was being wheeled down the maternity corridor, her eyes tight shut and her lips closed together. He willed those lips to smile, to laugh, to do something that meant she would be okay, but he knew they wouldn't. Everything was in the hands of someone else now, and loosing that control and power made him feel even more helpless than before.  
  
Mubbs smiled apologetically, "We have to work fast if we want to avoid a hysterectomy."  
  
Owens face turned white and he loosened the grip on Chrissie's hand, after all that she had been through he knew she could not handle loosing her chances of having another child. He shook his head gently.  
  
"Please try and avoid a hysterectomy if you can please Mubbs." He said sternly, knowing that, whatever had passed between him and Mubbs, that Mubbs would try and save Chrissie's womb, he was a professional.  
  
Mubbs was shocked that Owen has asked something of him, "I didn't think you were talking to me." He commented bitterly before turning back to face Chrissie.  
  
"Not now please Mubbs."  
  
Of course, he had known it wasn't the time, nor the place to be holding grudges upon Owen. But he felt he had to defend his honour by doing something, so, smiling slightly to raise Owen's spirits, he changed the subject.  
  
"We have another Consultant Obstetrician on the way," he said, but he knew he needed to add something to make Owen aware of what he was expecting him to do, "but until then, Owen can you do this?"  
  
He looked steadily towards Owen, whose face was screwed up in deep thought, and then Owen turned to him and nodded silently. He knew he had little choice but to help, he was what stood between Chrissie's life and death for the time being. He had to ignore the rule of not operating on family and be as unorthodox as he knew.  
  
"Yeah, sure, I'll be fine." Owen whispered, but he sounded unsure.  
  
They scrubbed up in silence, neither of them able to say a word to the other one, nothing civil anyway. As they walked over to Chrissie Owen almost lost himself again, tears welled up in his eyes as he stroked her hair from her face. He held onto the one thing that kept him sane, making her okay again, and pulled himself back together.  
  
"Lets make the incision, scalpel please." Owen said, stretching out his gloved hand.  
  
Owen carefully cut around the lower stomach a small amount of blood spurted up at him. He sighed gently, hoping, praying, for Chrissie to be okay. He'd been through all this before, he didn't need it all again.  
  
"If we can stop the bleed and patch up the womb, all should be ok." Mubbs assured Owen.  
  
Owen stitched up the bleed with Sutra stitches and sighed with relief when they hold and the bleeding stopped. He almost jumped for joy, almost shouted to the world that she was okay. He had mixed feelings about it though. Guilt- he felt guilty for the way he had treated her before, he hadn't been there for her as much as he should have been. And Relief, mostly relief- he was so relieved that she had pulled though and they could make it okay between them again.  
  
"Good work guys! Can I leave you to close?" Owen asked, turning towards Mubbs with a twinkle in his eyes.  
  
Mubbs nodded and suppressed a small laugh, "Sure."  
  
Owen threw his mask on the floor and left theatre and found his way to the relatives room. As he walked into the room Tricia jumped up from the chair and waited anxiously for his feedback.  
  
He smiled at her warmly, "She's going to be fine, almost had to have a hysterectomy but we managed to stop the bleed."  
  
"Oh, thank you so much Owen." She laughed as tears of joy sprung to her eyes and she hugged him tightly. Her whole world had gone back to normal, she didn't have to find out what her daughter had to, how much it hurts to loose a child.  
  
~*~  
  
Ric laughed gently as he walked up, Diane at his side, to the nurses station. He liked being with Diane, something about her made him feel warm inside, something about her made him love her, something about her made him love her more with every breath that he took.  
  
"Ric, Diane." Sandy enquired as she turned around to face them, "Chrissie has had to have an emergency operation up in maternity seems she wont be back for another couple of weeks."  
  
Ric sighed "That's all we need right now."  
  
"We'll manage, like we always do." Diane commented, putting her bag down on the floor beside Sandy.  
  
"Like we always DID." He added.  
  
Diane smiled and walked off with some clipboards in her hand towards the wards where she busied herself with patients. Ric followed closely behind her towards a patient who was sat up in bed.  
  
"Adam this is Ric Griffin the Consultant that's going to be doing your operation. If you would please talk him through it Ric."  
  
"Hello Adam," Ric said, trying to be as cheerful as possible, "You have a small lump on your lower right lung, for now we are just going to take a biopsy to see whether it is malignant or not. And depending on the outcome, later tonight we will be removing it."  
  
"And then what?" Adam asked, looking helplessly at the two of them.  
  
"Right now, I really can't say." Ric whispered with a sympathetic smile that was followed by a nod from the patient.  
  
"Have you not got any family you would want here for you?" Diane asked, leaning against the wall.  
  
"My parents died in a house fire when I was sixteen, I have no children or any living relatives. My girlfriend and I recently split, so no, I haven't."  
  
"I'm sorry." Diane said in response.  
  
"Don't be, it was so long ago now." Adam smiled.  
  
"We have you scheduled in for your op in ten minutes so, any questions you need answered before we go ahead." Ric interjected.  
  
"No."  
  
Ric and Diane head off for surgery while Sandy got Adam prepped for surgery. Ric knew that Diane could have been more 'off' with him than she was, from the kiss, and he was glad she treated him as normal. She had enjoyed it as much as he had; she was just worried, if only he knew that.  
  
~*~  
  
Chrissies eyes began to slowly open and Owen still stood faithfully by her side stroking her hand. He couldn't leave her for a second, in fear of missing her awakening. He loved her so much, and he realised it more when he almost lost her again, sometimes you have to almost loose something to realise what it really means to you.  
  
"You scared us quite a bit then." Owen smiled, sitting down onto the bed beside her and pushed her hair aside from her eyes.  
  
"What happened? Last thing I remember was having an awful stomach ache."  
  
"You almost had to have a hysterectomy, your womb was badly torn and you were loosing a lot of blood." Owen informed her. Just saying what almost happened hurt him because it made him realise that he could have lost her.  
  
Tricia stepped forward from the back of the room, "But your okay now, that's all that matters." To her, that was all that truly mattered, having her daughter back, she knew things wouldn't be perfect, but anything was better than Chrissie ill.  
  
"Mum!"  
  
"Are you ok Darling, do you want anything?" Tricia asked, fussing over her, she had always been able to deal with Chrissie's problems when she had been younger. As the years went by things just became more problematic.  
  
"No, I'm fine THANKYOU!" Chrissie said firmly, but she knew that her mother would do something anyway.  
  
"I'm going to get some water, just in case."  
  
Chrissie sighed and then looked up to Owen and smiled at him with a look of pure adoration and affection. She loved him, and the loss of her child and the loss of him for some time made her realise that too. She hated seeing him everyday and yet missing him so much.  
  
~*~  
  
Diane and Ric walked out of theatre, smiling because of the successful operation. They both liked being in each other's company a little more than they should have done but they were happy when together, it made them remember the good times. The times when everything was simple, black and white, good and bad.  
  
Ric smiled and ran his finger along her cheek affectionately, "I'm glad to see you're a little happier."  
  
"It's times like these make you realise what you really have." She whispered, "and times like these when you realise what you really want." She stared at him mischievously before walking off and leaving him to follow behind.  
  
~*~  
  
"Go home and get some rest, I'll be fine." Chrissie instructed Owen. She loved having him around, but all the same she knew he had to get some sleep, just like she did.  
  
"I'm not leaving you again." He whispered defiantly.  
  
"Please, just go." She didn't want him to leave, not really, but she needed to allow herself to think things through, to sort out all that had gone on.  
  
"I'll wait until you fall asleep." He said as a compromise and she smiled gently at him.  
  
~*~ Diane and Ric sat in the bar; it had been so long since they had truly gone out together properly. It seemed so different, and yet so exhilarating. All the same, it was all just fun, nothing serious.  
  
"I'll have a white wine please." Diane said, turning towards the bar maid as her smile radiated her sparkling, blue eyes.  
  
"Nothing for me please, I'm driving." He added. Diane laughed subtly, he had always been the sensible one, in many respects, she should have known he would not have touched a drop.  
  
~*~  
  
Owen leant forward and kissed Chrissie's forehead tenderly, her eyes were closed in exhaustion, and she had allowed herself to give into the tiredness. Tricia walked up beside him and placed a hand upon his shoulder, in a way of understanding.  
  
"I didn't realise you were still here." He commented.  
  
She sighed, "yeah. I couldn't leave her."  
  
"Neither could I." He whispered, and it was true, he felt he could never leave her again, not physically or mentally.  
  
"You really love her don't you?"  
  
Tears brim in Owens eyes.  
  
Tears brimmed in Owen's eyes, just at the question; he could tell it was obvious; he loved her more than anything. The only response he could muster though seemed pathetic in comparison. He nodded, "yeah."  
  
~*~  
  
Diane turned to Ric and smiled, her hair spread about the pillow, she wasn't sure how she ended up beside him in bed once again, but she liked it. She ran her finger along the back of his neck soothingly and put her arms around him. And it was exactly like that, that they fell asleep. 


End file.
